Into the Past

I was in the kitchen tonight trying to replicate KFC’s coleslaw for my grams. I don’t eat the stuff, but she seems to be obsessed with their particular slaw. As I was chopping the cabbage, I looked up at the picture hung over the sink – the picture I took at sunrise on the beach 6 years ago – and I thought to myself about how funny the past is. Everything that you do, the moment after you do it, becomes a part of your past. People tell you to live for the present, look forward to your future, to not drag the past around with you. I can never and will never agree with that.

I think about the person I was when I took that picture on the beach. I think about the person that I am now. The girl on that beach had yet to reconnect with Andy, she hadn’t met Charlie. She was in a dead end four year relationship with a man named Rick that would go on to cheat on her over and over and over … She had been hurt, but she had yet to be nearly destroyed and ravished in the flames on grief. Her grandmother had yet to die, she was still healing from the pain of Chesley.

I have talked a lot about Chesley and Andy in my blogs, because they were both very important relationships in my life. They were the two with the most learning experiences attached to them. They were the two that hurt the most. I spent four years with Rick and I hardly think about him. We went through a lot and we did a lot together. If I really sit and think back on the four years in it’s entirety, I would have to say that all together, only a quarter of it was really bad. But I never wanted to marry him, I wasn’t in love with him, and I always felt like I was a broken bird in a cage when I was with him. It seemed like an endless, boring life with the wrong man. There really isn’t much to think about or miss with him.

I think that I concentrate so much on Chesley and Andy is because I feel like I did something to fail both of those relationships. I will always feel like I was never enough for Chesley despite how badly he treated me. I will always feel like I did something wrong to make Andy run away. In my heart, I know what happened with both of these relationships. In my head, I will always feel like the girl that isn’t enough for people. It’s something I have to cope with and adjust myself to.

I can’t leave the past alone. I started this blog ten minutes ago. Once I hit the ‘publish’ button, this entry becomes part of my past; however, I will find myself reading over it time and time again to make sure that what I say makes sense to me, if not to others.

I’m trying hard to fight the small amount of abandonment I feel about my coworker leaving me to go to a better job. I know she’s trying to better her life and she really isn’t happy where she is anymore, but I hate that she’s leaving me because I grew accustomed to laying all of my problems out for her in the morning over coffee and relax time before patients started coming in. After this week, everything changes around and she will be gone. We spent most of yesterday about an hour from here, at an outlet mall, shopping and laughing. Over the past two years she turned into more than a coworker and acquaintance; she turned into a friend. Soon, she will be part of my past too. One day I will be at a lunch or dinner for work and we will be talking about her in the past tense.

I do okay with change, but I always look behind me to remember what was there. I was wired like that. I’m okay with that. It hasn’t kept me from living so far.

All Work and No Play

Yesterday I got to work and my co-worker told me she had some news. She told me that she had accepted a job somewhere else, and she would be gone by next Friday. I had to sit down for a minute. Not only have she and I grown pretty close over the past two years, but she is in charge of the majority of surgical pre-op calculations and scheduling. Now, I am in charge of it all. -_-

My boss is moving the receptionist to the back with me so we can train her to be a technician and he is hiring a new receptionist. There’s so much change going on right now – and I’m okay with change …. but it’s very difficult to train someone from scratch while I’m still trying to learn how to do things that I don’t yet know how to really do. As my boss put it today; he wants my “hands in everything” right now.

I just want to sleep. And I know I should ask for more money, but I don’t want to come across as someone that only wants money. I care about our patients more than I care about the money, but we could all use more money, you know?

I guess it’s a good thing, though. I can once again prove myself. I think I secretly lavish in the fact that I can overcome all of the stuff that is thrown at me. I like that my capability to learn expands further than I realized.

The sun hasn’t been out but once in three weeks. I’m sick of this. I have a feeling this winter is going to be hell.

Maybe I’ll actually have something to talk bout this weekend that doesn’t involve work.

Leaves

The first full day of fall and the temperature is struggling to crawl out of the low 60’s. I don’t even know what to do with this. It’s very sad to me, how fleeting summer is. It seems like we spend more time going into the cold weather, in the cold weather, or trying to get out of it, than we actually spend with hot weather.

I don’t like pumpkin spiced anything, either. We can rule out all of those ‘wonderful’ latte’s all of the women seem to flock to as soon as the leaves on the trees start turning a different shade.

I managed to make it through my first pre-op screening with no problems, yesterday. I stressed myself out about it for a week, and then I did okay yesterday. I’m still not very wild about the extra responsibility and I briefly told my boss that I was worried that with all of the multi-tasking I was having to do, I would start to forget important things along the way. His suggestion was to make sure I write everything down. To him, that is how the problem is solved. He said he doesn’t want to burn me out but I’m not quite sure how to tell him I’ve been burnt out for months. I constantly feel like I have to validate how awesome I am by taking on more and more ….. but maybe I need to get to the point that I don’t care what other people think of me. That has been the hardest thing to achieve.

I haven’t been sleeping at night lately. I’m not sure if it’s because of work things or just something wacky going on with my body.

Other than that, I’m just trying to fight off the seasonal depression that usually hits me when fall comes around. It seems to have showed up very dramatically and quite early compared to what we’re used to in North Carolina.

I don’t think about Chesley much anymore which is a nice surprise. As far as I’m concerned, he just doesn’t exist. I’m trying to forget that I ever spent three years with that man. I’m doing better every day on the Andy front. No more crying or wishing that things could be different. They are what they are and whatever path I’m headed down is a path without him – and forever reason that was how God intended it to be. He doesn’t owe me answers, he just has to lead me in the right direction.

Same ol’ I guess.

Under Pressure

I just had a new patient call and yell at me about how he hadn’t gotten his new patient forms in the mail so he could schedule to see the doctor. I told him they should arrive in a few days. He told me it was 2014, not 1814. I thought to myself that he is so old, he probably remembers when the mail was delivered on horseback. Never mind the fact that I answered the phone before office hours even started. He hung up on me. I can’t wait to meet him.

If I ever get that pissy when I’m in my 80’s or 90’s I just want someone to put me out of my misery.

In other news, I’ve had another responsibility added to my plate at work. It has been said to us (me and my coworker) that we are to do Pre-Op paperwork and measurements on our patients whenever we have ‘free’ time. On our lunch, before clinic, after clinic, the afternoon on Friday that is usually our time off. You know, whenever. I don’t even know how to feel about this. Surgical Pre-Op’s aren’t even in my field – though I’m not above learning it. God knows I’ve listened to my coworker do the spiel a hundred times every week for patients. Am I up to the challenge? Yes. The added responsibility? Not so much. I already don’t take vacations, I have hardly called out sick in two years, and I know how to run every aspect of this office from start to finish  …. but hey, let’s add something else.

The more you do, the more someone expects out of you. And then when you break, they shake their head and wonder why you couldn’t handle it. *sighs*

Mama

It’s week’s like this one and the one’s before it that I wish I had my mother to talk to. She’s not dead but she may as well be. My mom had made many malicious, vicious choices in her life that have hurt and affected everyone that loves and cares about her. She has put fake illness on her body in order to gain attention and money. She has done drugs and abandoned my brother and myself when we needed her the most. Everyone has tried to help her and she shits all over everyone that gives her an inch while she runs two miles.

I was standing in Wal-Mart tonight, waiting for my boyfriend to finish trying on some jeans, and I saw an old woman on a motorized cart, with her oxygen tank, and it made me think of my maternal grandma who died four years ago. In that moment, like many moments over the past four years, I wished she were there with me. She was 5’5″ and 90 pounds and I leaned on her so much for support and wisdom and advice.

And while I was thinking about her, I also thought of my mom and how I would give anything to have her to call when shit gets rough and I get in a dark place and need someone to just listen to me. Daughters are supposed to have that in their mothers. Julie has that in me and her step-mom. I want her to always come to one of us with whatever is bothering her.

I almost caved and tried to recall her phone number from my memory, but then I remembered the drugs and the deception and the judgement and I thought better of it. There are way more negatives than positives when it comes to contacting her.

It just sucks. So bad. It would be different if she were dead and she were just someone I couldn’t contact because there was no way to get in touch with her in Heaven. Instead, she’s someone I could very well call, but I would pay for it with a sob story about how hard her life is. There’s no mother or father for me to contact, though both are alive. Because of that, I feel like I suffer in silence most of the time. I’m just glad I’m not mentally in the same place I was when I was a teenager and she was destroying my life one cocaine sniff at a time.

Unchained

I’m still alive. Just pushing through the work flow, coming home, hanging out, sleeping, and doing it all over again. I’m not the kind of person that enjoy’s the same ol’ shit out of life – but I guess that beats drama. 

I’m still a little battle wounded from everything that has happened. I’m the kind of person that takes a while to recover from hard verbal blows. I discussed how I was feeling with my boyfriend. We talked about everything that happened. It was nice to have a conversation where neither one of us blew up at each other. 

I’m just tired, mostly. My patients and their feelings take a lot out of me on a daily basis. By the end of the week I just want to crawl into bed and stay there until Monday …. but I can’t. Life is happening and I have to happen with it. Especially since I have a ten year old. I wish we had unlimited money. That would take the stress off of 60% of life. 

Everything is just moving forward, and I have to try to swim with the tide. 

Silence

I feel like I’m just kind of drifting through the days. I have reached ‘silent mode’ about most anything that matters, because none of it does – not really. If what I said ever mattered, I wouldn’t find myself in the same predicament that I scream and argue and fight for all of the time.

So I will be the one who changes. I just can’t promise it will be for the benefit of anyone else. Or even myself.

It’s like screaming in a room full of deaf people. Everyone just looks at me but nobody can hear me. Maybe it’s better this way.