I was in the kitchen tonight trying to replicate KFC’s coleslaw for my grams. I don’t eat the stuff, but she seems to be obsessed with their particular slaw. As I was chopping the cabbage, I looked up at the picture hung over the sink – the picture I took at sunrise on the beach 6 years ago – and I thought to myself about how funny the past is. Everything that you do, the moment after you do it, becomes a part of your past. People tell you to live for the present, look forward to your future, to not drag the past around with you. I can never and will never agree with that.
I think about the person I was when I took that picture on the beach. I think about the person that I am now. The girl on that beach had yet to reconnect with Andy, she hadn’t met Charlie. She was in a dead end four year relationship with a man named Rick that would go on to cheat on her over and over and over … She had been hurt, but she had yet to be nearly destroyed and ravished in the flames on grief. Her grandmother had yet to die, she was still healing from the pain of Chesley.
I have talked a lot about Chesley and Andy in my blogs, because they were both very important relationships in my life. They were the two with the most learning experiences attached to them. They were the two that hurt the most. I spent four years with Rick and I hardly think about him. We went through a lot and we did a lot together. If I really sit and think back on the four years in it’s entirety, I would have to say that all together, only a quarter of it was really bad. But I never wanted to marry him, I wasn’t in love with him, and I always felt like I was a broken bird in a cage when I was with him. It seemed like an endless, boring life with the wrong man. There really isn’t much to think about or miss with him.
I think that I concentrate so much on Chesley and Andy is because I feel like I did something to fail both of those relationships. I will always feel like I was never enough for Chesley despite how badly he treated me. I will always feel like I did something wrong to make Andy run away. In my heart, I know what happened with both of these relationships. In my head, I will always feel like the girl that isn’t enough for people. It’s something I have to cope with and adjust myself to.
I can’t leave the past alone. I started this blog ten minutes ago. Once I hit the ‘publish’ button, this entry becomes part of my past; however, I will find myself reading over it time and time again to make sure that what I say makes sense to me, if not to others.
I’m trying hard to fight the small amount of abandonment I feel about my coworker leaving me to go to a better job. I know she’s trying to better her life and she really isn’t happy where she is anymore, but I hate that she’s leaving me because I grew accustomed to laying all of my problems out for her in the morning over coffee and relax time before patients started coming in. After this week, everything changes around and she will be gone. We spent most of yesterday about an hour from here, at an outlet mall, shopping and laughing. Over the past two years she turned into more than a coworker and acquaintance; she turned into a friend. Soon, she will be part of my past too. One day I will be at a lunch or dinner for work and we will be talking about her in the past tense.
I do okay with change, but I always look behind me to remember what was there. I was wired like that. I’m okay with that. It hasn’t kept me from living so far.