I’ve been in a weird mind-set since yesterday and figured it was time to swing by the therapists office for an appointment. There was an incident that happened a couple of weeks ago that has really set me back on my self-esteem and how I view myself. It doesn’t take much to mess me up. If there is ever a moment that I am put in the position where I feel like I am less than average or not good enough, I feel like a waste of space. Dr. Lee is pushing for me to see a psychiatrist so that I may explore the option of medication. I told him from the beginning that I would never be on medication. I have taken that route before, in my mid-teens. It’s not a fun place to be. My depression stems from situations that make me sad. My depression doesn’t come from my just waking up and hating myself. I’m not going to take medication to numb the feelings I have. I just want people to stop ….. just stop.
So, I dropped the kid off at school a little early (she has chorus on Thursday’s anyway) and went to see my therapist. On the way, I was crossing over the bridge and the sun hit me in the face and the first thought that ran through my mind was “Why are you even here?” and it made me sad. Because I don’t know why I’m here. Obviously I have Julie, and she’s the sole purpose of my existence. But I feel like I don’t matter to anyone else. I feel so easily replaceable in every other aspect of my life. Just when I really started believing that I meant something to someone, it all came crumbling down around me and my trust issues arose anew. And I keep asking myself “why does this always happen to me?”
So, I told Dr. Lee what was going on. I told him how inadequate I was feeling. I spent thirty-five minutes of word vomit on everything that happened a couple of weeks ago and what happened last night that made me upset. At my boyfriends suggestion, he said I needed to just “let it go”, that it was done and over with. That upset me even more. Because this incident didn’t happen to him. Of course it’s easy to tell someone to just let it go. When you aren’t the one sitting there feeling like the biggest loser piece of shit on the planet because you can’t hang on to something without it trying to fly away and venture off into greener pastures, it’s quite easy to say “let it go.”
What I took away from my therapy session is that I have a right to how I feel just like my boyfriend has a right to how he feels. It doesn’t make either one of us wrong. Feelings are similar to opinions in that everyone has them, and they are unique to an individuals own situation. I’m the one that has to decide when enough is enough. I’m the one that has to decide when I’m willing to trust someone again. I’m the one that has to decide if what has happened is going to define me or if I’m going to work through it.
But it’s hard when you feel like your support system doesn’t exist. My boyfriend and I can’t really talk about things that bother us because everything get’s heated and then we’re yelling at each other.
I just know that I’m sad. I know that I hate wondering what my purpose is here when it keeps getting proven to me over and over and over again that people just prefer, or at least entertain the thought, of being with another person. I will never be good enough for someone. I keep trying to do the right things, to be attentive, to be giving and unselfish in the things that I do. I wonder if I were a bitch and didn’t care about anyone’s feelings but my own, would I fare better?
If someone wants me to care with everything that I have, I can’t just let things go. If I let them go, I turn cold, I lose my passion, I lose my drive, and then I become a person that I don’t like. I become someone that doesn’t care what she does or who she hurts. I’ve been that person before. It’s not pretty. I don’t want to be that person anymore.
They say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. I understand that. But it’s difficult to love yourself when people keep showing you just how unworthy you are. I can feel myself shutting down. I can feel the passion leaving me. I’ve just about had enough. Just in general. With everything. I’ve had it. Life isn’t supposed to hurt this much, is it?