No Name Face

My daughter is at her dad’s tonight hence my ability to actually use the lap top and write a blog, though I have not much to update on. When there is no drama happening in my life, I am a pretty boring person. Work was hell today; nonstop and my brain was hurting by the time I left. 

My daughter started 5th grade on Monday. It amazes me at how fast the time has gone. Next year she will be in middle school. In less than eight years she will be graduating high school. In nine years she will be doing her own thing and I will be doing mine. 

This year has flown by. I really thought this year would drag by because of everything that happened. I thought last year would be the year that flew by because I was in la-la land and sooooooo happy and planning the rest of my life with Andy and blah bah blah. I met Charlie and spent some time with him as well as by myself, and here I am – the end of the year is almost three months away. I don’t know. It makes me sad. It makes me happy. I don’t know what I feel. 

I have heard not a word from Chesley or his wife. That has been nice. I find myself wondering just how miserable he is or if he actually went to therapy. Then I realize it isn’t my business and I don’t even care enough to really wonder. It’s just a passing thought in my mind. 

Charlie and I are going to see his family Saturday. Sunday I have to go clothes shopping for my daughter since she grew out of everything I bought for her over the summer. 

What I wouldn’t give to go back sixteen years to my childhood and redo everything while still knowing what I know today. There is so much I would change. I guess that’s the beauty of a chaotic mess and the inability to go back in time; you just have to deal with the choice that you make. And you have to keep going.  

Family Ties

 

Friday before I left work, I had a patient call me and scream at me on the phone about something that “I didn’t do”. When I tried to explain to her that I had called her insurance company like I told her that I did, she called me a “damn liar” and said she had already had “one incompetent bitch fired from that job” and she would have my job if I didn’t do what she told me that I needed to do. Every attempt to explain my position and the fact that my coworker was sitting there when I made the phone call went unheard as she raised her voice and screamed over me about what I liar that I am. Then she hung up on me. 

I was so pissed off that I started immediately crying. Not because she threatened my job (my boss knows that I do my job, I wasn’t scared in the least that I was going to lose it), and it wasn’t because she threatened to come up to my job (I told her to come on up and do her worst), it was the fact that she called me a liar and wouldn’t allow me to speak or defend myself. I was pissed because I take my job very seriously, and I really really care about my patients and their well-being. I was pissed because I have helped this woman several times with patient assistance for her eye drops as well as given her many samples when she ran out of drops so she wouldn’t have to pay out of her own pocket. To call me a liar and tell me that you’re going to get me fired? After all that I’ve done for you? No way. 

I told my co-worker that I will never help that woman again, and I meant it. Then I called her insurance company and asked them if they had a record of my phone call from earlier this week (they did.) I asked them to call my patient while I was on hold and let her know that I did in fact reach out to them, despite what she was supposedly told, and I did try to help her to the best of my ability. I got my things and went home for the day, but it bothered me all day yesterday, and all the way until I went to bed at midnight last night. In a moment of vengeance I hoped that my patient was upset with herself for having threatened me and my job, as well as calling me a liar. I hope that she tries to call and apologize to me. I won’t take her call, she can speak with my coworker. I hope that she has learned a lesson from accusing someone of something without giving them the chance to defend themselves. I only wish that I could scream at her without giving her the chance to talk and let her know how much it hurt me for way longer than it should have. I wish I could make her feel everything she made me feel on Friday. 

I even went to church tonight and tried to let go of some of the resentment and anger I have for her and what she did. Needless to say I think it’s going to be a 12 step program because I am still really angry. Tonight our pastor talked about how we are losing intamacy with God and the people around us because we are putting everything else first and God last. We are so busy working and trying to prove ourselves to our bosses and other people that we forget to allow God to be front and center. My pastor told us that if we put Him front and center, we don’t have to worry about the rest. 

It’s a very hard lesson for me to learn. I’m always trying to do more and be more at my job. I want that promotion, I want to make more money, I want to be a better provider for my family.If my boss asks me to do something, I do it. The more I do the more he asks of me. It will always be like that. I will always be trying to prove to someone that I’m good enough, even proving it to myself. 

I am so scared of being anything like my mother. When someone calls me a liar, I think that I’m turning into her. If I miss a day of work because I don’t feel good, I feel like a lazy bum because my mom used to lay in bed all day doped up on pills and not taking care of my brother or our family. She didn’t work, she didn’t do anything. Someone telling me I’m a liar is the same as someone telling me that I’m just like my mother. To me it is anyway. And it’s really upsetting. 

It’s funny, I try to do as much with my daughter as I can. When we have the money we will go to the arcade or to the fun park and ride go-karts. We go see movies together. When I think back on my childhood and how much of a burden it was on my mother for her to do any of those things with me and my brother it really pisses me off. Not only is it a simple thing – taking your child to do fun things on the weekend, but it is also enjoyable. I love going to see a movie with the kid. I love going to play arcade games. Taking her to birthday parties or sleepovers or letting one of her friends stay over here is no big deal. It really just solidifies how much my mother didn’t do when I was a kid, and it makes me very very sad for the child that I was. I didn’t really know any better then, but in doing these things with my kid, I realize just how much of a mother she wasn’t. 

I don’t even speak to her anymore, anyway. But it gives me even more of a reason to not want to talk to her. She will never take responsibility for how bad our childhood was. The only time she takes responsibility for the shit we went through is when she turns it around and blames someone else for why she is the way that she is. Then, she points out many of my own flaws to hide herself from her own. There are days that I miss talking to the figment of my imagination that is my mother. Then I remember how much hell there is to pay when she’s having one of her many bad days. And I remember how much she lies and how deceitful she is. 

*Sighs* I’m so tired. I just gotta keep on keeping on, I guess. 

My boyfriend and I are doing really well, though. It has taken a long while for me to adjust and warm up to our differences, but I think I’m there. He will text me throughout the day now, he talks about his day at work when he gets home. Our communication is better and we act like complete idiots around each other which is really fun. 

I am still very much a work in progress and it has taken me a full year to work through most of this crap. But I’m there. I just wish that I would stop caring what people think about me. I wish I didn’t care if someone called me a liar, or fat, or useless, or a terrible daughter. I wish it didn’t bother me that Chesley lied to his wife (again) saying that what I was telling her wasn’t true. People know me based on what everyone else falsely tells them about me. Not many people take the time to get to know me for who I am. 

That’s life. 

Friend Friday: Crystal

luciddream85:

Check out my guest blog.

Originally posted on Pizza of Doom:

It’s Friday-ay-ay. And a bank holiday here in the UK. Nice. 

Even nicer, today is my first go at Friend Friday, when I’m handing over my blog to one of my greatest and most gorgeous blogger buddies to guest post. This is my way of saying “Thank you” to my new friends for their support over the past year, and also my way of celebrating the communities and friendships that can be formed right here on WordPress. 

Today’s post is from Crystal at All the Things that I Don’t Wish. Crystal was one of the first people I connected with on here, probably because of a heartbreak timing coincidence (I started my blog on the day her ex told her he was leaving). I feel like we’ve been through war together. And I love her no-nonsense attitude that means she went to bed the other night “mad as…

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Lucidity

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. Seriously. 

On my drive home today, which is when I do a lot of my reflecting on life and all of its bullshit – I realized that I have made it through the worst part of my post-breakup. I am now past the thinking of “at this time last year Andy and I were doing this and this and we were happy.” No. Now, I’m thinking about a year ago today I was sobbing into the pillow and blogging about how heartbroken I was and I was trying to find some blind optimism about how we would figure out a way to make it work. 

Today I was thankful that where I am today is nowhere near where I was a year ago. 

I’m still coming home tired as hell from working too hard with no vacation. I still eat too much and exercise too little. 

But at least I’m not bawling like a four year old. And at least I’m hoping for a decent future. 

I just want to be happy. And I want to feel like I can reach that goal without a hell of a lot of unnecessary effort and heartbreak.

But for now, it’s off to bed.

I just wish I could control my dreams.  

The Breakupversary

Today marks a year ago that Andy broke my heart into a million pieces. I’ve known that it was coming and I have tried my hardest to not let it kick me down. Man, he hurt me badly. But today, on my way home, I took the time to reflect on not what I was feeling a year ago today, but everything I’ve made it through over the past year. 

I got 11 weeks with him post breakup. I learned about him and the person that he really is through our breakup. 

I went on really shitty dates with craptastic men. I went a little wild, slept with a few, and hated myself for it. I hated that they weren’t him. I hated that I wanted them to be him and they couldn’t be. I was mad at the world. 

I prayed a lot. 

I spent some time alone and realized that it was okay to be alone. I realized that I could actually be alone if I chose too. 

I nearly fell into the Chesley trap again and worked things out with him. Thank god he got wishy-washy and decided to stay in his marriage. 

I flew to Indiana in January to see Andy and realized that I had no place in his life up there. 

I met a pretty good guy that started out as my heartbreak healing buddy and eventually turned into something more.

I’ve worked and worked through it all and maintained my dignity.

But most importantly, I survived it. I didn’t know how I was going to do it. There were nights that I hurt so much I couldn’t breathe. There were nights that I wished I wouldn’t wake up the next day. I cried and prayed, prayed and cried. I woke up with swollen eyes and broken dreams.

But I made it.

And I don’t even cry anymore.  

Text Messages

I don’t even know where to begin except to say that one day I will figure out that people use me for their own personal gain and then when it’s convenient, they turn me into the bad guy. 

This past weekend Chesley had been into it with his wife. We spoke, he said things, he said he was going to figure out what to do and he was leaving his wife. I didn’t encourage it and I didn’t tell him not to do it. I told him that whatever he did, he needed to make sure that he had his kid. I told him that I was here for him whenever he needed to talk. I meant that. I told him to go stay with his father until he could figure out what his next move was. He was tortured and upset and I didn’t know what I could do for him except to tell him that I was there. We have a past albeit a pretty bad one, but I don’t turn my back on people that I care about. So he goes to his dad’s house and then I don’t hear from him anymore. Last night I get a text message from his wife. She’s blue and I’m yellow. She has shit grammar and mine is, for the most part, pretty decent.

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That’s right. He does love talking to me. Even when we were together, if we did nothing right we did have very long talks together. 

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‘Hilt’ is supposed to be ‘built’ but you get the picture. This is the classic case of “I’m a female, I’m going to blame another female for my husbands wanderlust.” Instead of these two fucking idiots putting the blame on themselves for their failing marriage, they pull me into the mix. It’s my fault. Because that makes it easier for them. 

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She’s right about that. All he did was lie and cheat on me. And he was miserable with me until he got with her ass and realized that I wasn’t half bad. 

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You tell me something. He reconnected with Leila when he and I were still together. He cheated on me with her. She knew about me. They both helped destroy my life and I was homeless because of these two assholes. How am I the betrayal? I didn’t stand up there with them when they took their vows and promise to run back and forth between them and tattle on the other. So sorry. I must have missed that memo. Fucking idiot. 

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Now I’m an accompliance …. because accomplice would be too much here. Here’s another fun adjective – accessory. Try that one. 

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blah blah blah

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What she fails to realize is that if I wanted him, I would have him. Right now. I would have had him years ago when he told me to “say the word” and he would throw her out and take me back. I’ve held that magic wand for YEARS. 

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So basically, she has made him feel like everything is all of his fault, brainwashed him into thinking that she does no wrong, and they are going to skip off into the sunset like the dysfunctional family that they are. Fine by me. 

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Now, I say that above statement to prove a point. No bitch is ever going to tell me what to do ever again. Ever. Chesley spent three years telling me what to do. I will be a mother fucker if his bitch ass wife is going to tell me who I can and can’t talk too. 

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Now here’s what I find really interesting. Chesley is willing to blatantly lie to save his own ass. Of course he is! All of the advice and concern I gave and he is going to turn around and call me a liar? Excellent. 

Chesley, I know you read my journals. Let me remind you of something before you get too ahead of yourself in throwing me under the bus …. again. One word. Shed. That’s it. I could blow the fucking roof off of everything and it wouldn’t hurt me in the least. 

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Yes, that’s it. He loves you so much you have driven him to seeing a psychologist. But you know what. Maybe you’re right. Maybe both of your asses need help. I’ve never seen anything quite like this before. 

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I ain’t telling him shit. He can shove our ‘friendship’ straight up his ass. 

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No. You just blamed me for the demise of your marriage and then demanded that I quit talking to your husband. But hey …. same thing, right? 

Psychotic. 

Broken Strings

This morning, as I was curling my hair, my curling iron slipped and hit me in the eye. So that was hot and painful. I figured that’s how the rest of my day would go. 

I think everyone obtained their drivers license yesterday and decided to get on the road at the very same moment I was trying to get to work. That was frustrating. 

I worked my ass off until lunch and then jumped in my car and headed to the church for the visitation of Chesley’s grandpa. It was like seeing my own family after so many years away. I was touched that they all remembered me. I looked outside and saw Chesley standing there waiting for his dad. I walked out at the same time his mom was going out there and his wife was walking up. His head was going a million miles an hour so he didn’t even see me at first, so I talked to his wife for a little bit. 

I went back inside and spoke with his dad and step-mom and found my way to his cousin. We reconnected and she told me to put her phone number in my phone. Despite the sad circumstances in which we were there, it felt so wonderful to see his whole family again. I’m telling you, when we split up – it hurt just as much to lose his family as it did to lose him.

I was about to leave when I noticed Chesley and his mom down at the casket of his grandpa. I looked around and noticed his wife wasn’t with him. If you knew Chesley, you’d know that death is very hard on him. I was proud of him for being able to go down there and look at his grandpa in the first place. I was a little perturbed that his wife wasn’t standing there emotionally holding him up. I walked down to where he and his mom were and I stood behind him and watched the tears fall down his face with his jaw locked tight. I watched him look at a man in a casket that didn’t even look the same as when I last saw him. I looked from Chesley to his Grandpa and watched him relive the memories that he had with a wonderful man that is no longer on this earth. My heart ached for him. I wanted to reach out and touch his shoulder so that he knew someone was there while he went through this. I didn’t. I didn’t want to cause any problems. It wasn’t my place to provide that kind of comfort. Old habits die hard. He cried, I teared up, I said my goodbye’s to his mom and gave him a hug goodbye. I walked outside and was on my way to my car when Chesley’s wife asked me if I was leaving. She said she has had five deaths this year that she’s had to deal with and she just couldn’t be inside. I kept my comments to myself and remarked about how much of a shitty year it has been (I have also lost quite a few people this year myself – but somehow managed to make it all the way down to the casket), and I went back to work. And I cried – all the way back. 

I cried for the family. I cried for lost opportunities. I cried for Chesley. I cried for me. I have always been attuned to Chesley’s emotions. From the beginning, I could feel what he was feeling. The last time I saw him cry was when I was moving out. I don’t like to see people cry. I hate when people are in pain and I can’t fix it. 

I went back to work and finished out my day with a heavy heart. I just don’t really know what to say anymore. There’s so much pain in the world. There’s so much anger and selfishness. It makes me wonder how it’s even worth being a good person, when all of the bad takes over everything that you try to do. 

Just breathe.