Afflictions

Published April 16, 2014 by luciddream85

 

My mother called my brother and left a long message on his voicemail about how she only has two months left to live. She said her kidneys and liver are failing. She talked about how she had loved him so much since the day he was born. She talked about how I had written her out of my life, how she knew she had been a shitty parent, but that she did the best she could. My poor brother is only 21. Life hasn’t quite gotten ahold of him yet to flash it’s super big disappointments his way. I hope that it never does. He has a wonderful fiancee that loves him with everything she has in her. They were high school sweethearts. They will have a wonderful life together. He has a father that loves him, two grandparents that adore him. I am so glad that life has turned out this way for him.

The part that sucks is that he is still very much affected by the crap that my mother spouts from her mouth. It makes him sad. He thinks ‘maybe this time she’s telling the truth’ or ‘what if she’s telling the truth and she really does die. Will I feel guilty for not believing her?’ I both hate and envy that kind of thought process. I don’t want him to ever feel like he didn’t do enough for her. He has given her money, his attention, his affection, and it has all been wasted. I envy that he is still capable of feeling this way, because it has long since departed from my bag of empathy towards that woman.

What I think has happened is that she has burned all of the bridges she has with any friends that she had left. She turns on the sympathy well to the one person that she knows is still tender-hearted enough to care. She must have forgotten how much she abandoned my brother when we were younger. She forgets that I was the one that got up with him in the mornings and watched him all day long, missing day after day of school because she wasn’t capable of taking care of him. His dad worked three jobs to support our family and she refused to hold a job because of her ‘health problems’ that haven’t killed her yet, though God only knows they should have by now since she is so ‘terminal’.

She didn’t call me; she knows better. I’m the horrible child. I’m the one with the cold heart.

I’m just the one that has had enough of her crap. He has too, but I think it’s harder for him to remember some of the bad times because he was so young when a bulk of it was going on. But he knows. He has had his fair share. My mother is no sooner dying from kidney and liver failure than I am. And if she is, well, she shouldn’t have cried wolf for 20 years. It’s bad enough she has been cured from a cancer that doesn’t even exist, now she’s stealing the way that my grandmother died and making it her own illness. I guess she finally figured out that dying from ‘microevasive cancer’ wasn’t a real possibility, so now she has to pull from the knowledge that she does know – since we all watched my grandmother die – and use that to her advantage.

It will be a strange day when she finally does die.

Work Hard to have Nothing

Published April 15, 2014 by luciddream85

 

I would like to say that I miss having a normal mother that I can talk too. But, the truth is, I never had that to begin with. So I guess I can just say that I wish I did. I wish my mom were normal and not a selfish, self-centered lunatic. There are things in my life that I need a mother to talk with. Hell, I’d even settle for a father. I’d say I miss him, but I never had him either. So, I guess I wish I had one or both parents that actually gave more of a damn about me than they did themselves.

Despite making decent money, I’m so broke right now that I don’t know how I’m going to make it another 8 days. I have my 550.00 digital camera in the backseat of my car, ready to haul it down to the pawn shop and pray I can at least get 200.00 out of it. It makes me sad. I thought that at 28 I wouldn’t be this broke. I didn’t think I would be struggling so much. I didn’t think I’d be once married, once divorced and then never again. Maybe the problem is that I just didn’t think enough.

I try not to let things like money stress me out. Besides pawning some of my nicer things, there isn’t much I can do to solve the problem short term. I try not to let things like having a crazy mother and absent father bother me, but when I feel overwhelmed with life’s problems, I have nobody to turn too that really understands me. I’m just tired. I’m trying to hold it together for the sake of my daughter, but there are just some days I want to throw my hands up and say “screw this” and just disappear. I know God doesn’t put your through anything that you can’t handle, but I’m at my breaking point with so many things. The fight in me is all fought out. Something has got to give. 

Blue

Published April 14, 2014 by luciddream85

It’s sad when your coworker pulls you to the side during the day and tells you that you haven’t looked like yourself in weeks. I look at myself and I don’t see much changing, but I’m guessing that other people do. Maybe it’s the white flag of defeat in my happiness that is waving solidly in the air. Perhaps it is all of the arguments and endless fighting between the boyfriend and I that is wearing down on me. I felt it effecting my work performance last week, so I’m trying very hard to keep my mind on my job this week, at least until I get my four day vacation starting Friday afternoon. I never knew having a Monday and Tuesday off of work would be so exciting. I think once I have some time to myself I will come back here feeling better.

I don’t want to be sad. I don’t thrive in my own sadness. I enjoy smiling and laughing. I want to be happy, I really do. It just seems like such a task lately. I hate fighting. I hate arguments. I hate feeling like crap.

Hypocrisy

Published April 10, 2014 by luciddream85

 

A lot of things have happened tonight that I’m still trying to process. I’m feeling a lot of things and nothing at the same time. I feel emotionally broken, mentally drained, and physically bad. And underneath all of that, I’m feeling numb. I try really hard to be a good person. Tonight I was reminded that I’m not nearly as good as I think that I am. 

I said something in a smart ass way about five seconds after I got home tonight. It came across as directed towards the boyfriend but I wasn’t even thinking about what I was saying to him when I was saying it. I had nothing to do with him. He said something smart back, and when I tried to explain myself he was already so livid with me that he said a few more choice words and walked out of the door and went walking. I decided to get some air myself. By the time I got home he was already back. I tried talking about what happened, we argued some more. I told him I would take him back home tomorrow. I told him I was tired of being sad, and of us arguing all of the time. He told me I was a hypocrite and I treat him like shit. He said I’m not positive, I can’t seem to remember the good times, that I only focus on the bad. He said that I’m not optimistic or supportive about him searching for a job. I think I pretty much shut down after that. 

I’m a bad person. I don’t think I should be with anyone. If I put people through that kind of mental abuse, then I need to be alone. Maybe all of these years, people have left me because I’m a bad person. Maybe it has been my fault all along. Chesley told me that if I didn’t piss him off all of the time he wouldn’t have to put me in my place. Rick said he cheated on me because I didn’t give him enough attention. Andy left because he decided he didn’t want to be married after all. Now I’m a hypocrite and I treat people like shit. I didn’t even realize it. 

I hate myself. I hate everything I stand for. I thought I was a good person. I thought I had compassion. I thought I was giving and understanding. I am none of those things. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to want to face people tomorrow knowing that everything that I thought, was a lie. 

I’m a monster, and I’m not even sure I know how to fix it. What’s worse is I don’t know if I even care anymore to fix it, or if I ever did at all. 

Stupid Is …..

Published April 9, 2014 by luciddream85

I’m so tired. Not physically. I’m mentally exhausted these days.

I used to pride myself in being relatively smart. I’m not completely book smart, but I have oodles of common sense. I’m pretty decent at things like English and writing. Math and Science …. forget it. I learn new things every day, but I don’t go too far out of my way to look up things that I don’t know. Why is the sky blue? Who cares? I don’t. What is the compound mixture of cement? Don’t know. Don’t care. I’m not looking it up to find out, either.

When I dated Rick, he had neither book smarts nor common sense. He didn’t know who Hitler was. He didn’t know many things about technology. I really don’t know what he thought about during the day, other than cheating on me. I was a very informative resource for him, explaining things he didn’t know. I was the smart one. I didn’t mind sharing with him what I knew, if he asked me. Most of the time he didn’t bother to ask.

Andy had a lot of common sense and a lot of technological smarts. Anything computer related, he knew about. I once asked him to explain the stock market to me, and he did. And he explained it to where I understood it. If I ever said anything that wasn’t right, he never corrected me on it. Or if he did, I think we made fun of each other while doing it. I don’t know.

I’m finding it hard to match my current boyfriend on an intellectual level. If I say anything I’m being corrected by him, or informed otherwise of some additional information. I was folding clothes a few weeks ago and he just flung himself on the bed and didn’t help me. I gave him a look and he was like “what?” And so I was like “You know you could help me.” and he did but he was like “well you didn’t ask” ….. I didn’t think I had too. I thought that was something that was just understood. Apparently I’m wrong about that. He’s very argumentative and then backs up his argumentative ways by saying “I’m just stating the facts”, because obviously you can’t argue with facts, now can you? Last night we had a discussion about whether or not we would opt to take early retirement and work part time, or take full retirement. I told him I’d take full retirement and still work full-time. Then we got into an argument based on whether or not you get penalized for working full time if you wait and take full retirement. I’ve been controlling my grandmothers finances for years. I know what SSI pays her. I also know that she worked full-time until she became too sick to work, and she has always maintained the same rate of pay from SSI. And yet, apparently I’m wrong about that too. I’m wrong about everything. I feel so stupid around him. I feel like everything that I know, I don’t know enough of, or I’m wrong.

I just feel like anything I have to say isn’t even worth saying. And when I tell him “Fine, you’re right. You’re right. Whatever you say.” He gets upset about that too because “I’m just saying it”. I can’t win with him, and I’m tired. Relationships are hard work, I get that. I don’t think they should be this difficult, though.

He told me yesterday when I got home from work that my Grams had been acting kind of pushy. She’s been known to do that from time to time. I went in there and talked to her about it. He got upset with me because he said I disrespected him by taking something he told me in confidence and going to the source with it. Um. What? She’s my grandmother and a few months ago he and I got into an argument about defending the person you’re with. That’s what I did, and I didn’t do it in a mean way. And yet, he gets upset with me.

In my profession, it isn’t some doozy of a job. If I don’t pay careful attention to my work, I can cause my patient a lot of unintentional pain that can lead to blindness or unexpected surgery. Your eyes are complicated little buggers. The only solace that I currently have in my knowledge is knowing that I am very good at what I do. I’m very meticulous, I ask questions to better understand my line of work. My boss depends heavily on me and my coworker to do almost everything in here. There are days that I leave this office stressed to the max, and it takes me hours to forget about my day once I get home. I work very hard. I’ve been here almost two years (since his doors opened) and I have hardly missed any work at all. In fact, I’m taking my first vacation (two days to make for a long weekend) in the almost two years that I’ve been here. I bust my ass. I know that I’m good at this. But what would happen if someone else came in here and started shooting down everything that I know how to do, and telling me that I’m doing it wrong or there is a better way to do it? Would I feel as smart or as capable then? I don’t think so. That’s kind of what it’s like at home right now. That’s what it’s like living with someone that knows everything.

I don’t know how much more of this I can take. You can care about someone and not be compatible I guess. I don’t know what to do anymore except to just be quiet. I’ve been the one in the relationship without a voice before, and it looks like it will be that way again.

Starter Kit

Published April 7, 2014 by luciddream85

Spring finally feels like it is arriving. I look outside of my window and see the smallest of leaves forming on the tree’s. Thunderstorms are firing up at random times throughout the day and night. It is everything that I love about the upcoming seasons.

I’m still fighting this sadness on a daily basis. Last night when I went to bed, I prayed that God give me some kind of clarity. I don’t question that He knows what is best for me, but I do often wonder why things change so suddenly when I’m so damn happy. How can something that makes me happy not be what’s best for me? Like, to me, everything was nearly perfect when I was with Andy. We didn’t argue, our personalities were almost identical. I looked at him and thought I was so very lucky to be with someone that was not only my partner but also my best friend. I thought that this was what everyone was talking about; that I couldn’t feel anymore complete than this.

And then it was all over. And I find myself getting through the first year without him and trying to forget all of the things that we did ‘at this time last year’. Getting through last weekend was hard enough. I woke up on Saturday and stared out of my bedroom window and thought, “Right about now, I’d be having someone do my makeup and hair. We’d be at the building at the park where we were going to get married. I would be thinking that today is the day I’m going to marry my best friend.” I lay there and thought all of those things, and it hurt badly. All the while my current boyfriend is upstairs cooking breakfast and being an incredible person.

I’m sitting here on a precipice of trying to let go of the past and move forward at the same time. Some days are okay. Today was pretty decent. Other days my boyfriend and I bump heads and we’re arguing and I’m wondering how compatible we really are. He get’s along wonderfully with my daughter, and can really get down on her level and play video games with her and explain things. He’s a great man. I’m still working on me. And I’m wondering if I’m just that ‘stepping stone’ girlfriend. Maybe I’m just put here to help people with their life and then they move on to things that make them happier. I’m like the starter kit. That’s how I feel.

I feel like nothing with me will ever be permanent. I’m scared to think that it will be. Every time I think someone is going to stay, they leave.

I’m ready for the beach. It’s either going to help heal my soul or make it bleed. But either way, something has to give. I can’t keep going like this.

Understanding Me

Published April 1, 2014 by luciddream85

Have you ever felt like you were standing in the middle of a room, screaming at the top of your lungs, and everyone was just going on about their business as if you were acting completely normal? I’m sure many people have felt that way. Especially those of us that feel one way and act a completely different way on the outside.

Living inside of my head is absolute torture on a daily basis. I don’t say that to seek or gain attention for ‘poor Crystal’. I’m just expressing how it feels to live in here from day-to-day.

In the morning I wake up to my alarm. Part of me wishes I could sleep in until lunch. Another part of me wishes I were waking up under different circumstances, a different life, or as someone else. Every day that I wake up and realize that I’m still me, it’s another let down.

I get ready and leave the house after haphazardly grabbing a drink and a poptart if I remember. I get in the car, turn on my music and start my seven mile drive to work. I think about my past, I wonder about things in my future. I got into work where I get along with one coworker and skip around another one that doesn’t really care much for me. I see my patients, call in eye drop refills, go on lunch, come back and do it again until time to go home. On my way home I listen to music, think about my past, wonder what went wrong, where I should be, what I’m doing. Sometimes I cry, other times I don’t … but I typically always feel sad.

I come home and my mood varies. As soon as I hit the door, my mind is still both at work and processing whatever shit that’s making me sad. I have to unwind. I have to leave behind my work day, all of my patient problems, all of their achievements. I have to switch into home mode and focus my attention on my daughter or my boyfriend or whatever it is that needs my focus.

When I have my daughter, I am happy. My life makes sense. All of this is how I feel when she’s at her dad’s or when she isn’t in my presence. She’s a happy child, and when I’m with her, I feel complete and happy as well.

I’ve been told that I don’t make things easy, that I’m difficult to live with, that I’m too emotional, I’m cold-hearted, too opinionated. My grams once told me that I treat her like shit simply because I don’t understand how to comfort her when she gets upset over something that I can’t control. I wish I could disappear inside myself. I feel like nobody understands me. I feel like no matter how hard I could ever try to explain things, nobody will ever really understand me.

I’m an empath (http://askgrace.com/psychic_advice/0641_being_empath.htm). I have noticed it for many years, but I never really understood what was going on. I don’t think I’m anything close to a psychic and I don’t claim to have any kind of ability like that. I’m just very sensitive. When I started understanding things, I didn’t want to tell anyone for fear of being judged as weird. I have only told one person (my current boyfriend) about this ability that I seem to unwillingly have. I’m not just talking about feeling empathetic for someone. I’m talking about my ability to feel what someone else is feeling. If I go into work and my coworker comes in pissed off to high heaven, I can feel it before she even sits down to turn on her computer. In turn I start feeling what she’s feeling and I can’t turn it off. When her mood lightens up, my mood does too. Today when I went into work and my other coworker came in, I could feel her aggravation. When I came home from work and stepped into the kitchen where Grams was, I could feel her agitation. When my patients come in and they are sad, I feel it without them having to say anything. The other day we went to see my boyfriends mom at the nursing home. When he touched her arm and left his hand there I felt the peace and comfort that he made her feel by a simple touch.

So when you pack on everyone else’s emotions on top of the one’s that I have all on my own, it creates chaos in my head, in my heart, and in my soul. Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out how I really feel and how someone else feels. Sometimes I just cry because I don’t know what else to do. It was easy when Andy left me. He honest to God felt nothing about it. He felt antsy to get out  of here, and I often felt that way. But when I looked at him, I felt nothing, which is exactly what he was feeling. When I left Rick, I felt sad and scared, because he was feeling sad and worried about his future. When Chesley left me I felt confused on top of my extreme depression.

I didn’t ask for it. It’s not something I know how to control. I don’t know how to shut it off. Maybe it makes me more of a difficult person. I think I will end up a very lonely person in part because of this ability and in part because of the person that I am. I try to do good and I work really hard. I can’t ever seem to get very far, though. Everyone gives up because I have a smart mouth, or I say something that comes out more harsh than intended, or they just take it the wrong way in general.

Tomorrow I will wake up and still be me. I will still do all of these things day in and day out. And nobody is ever really going to understand why I am the way that I am. And because of that, I will probably end up alone. That makes me sad enough without having to deal with anyone else’s emotions.

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