Friday before I left work, I had a patient call me and scream at me on the phone about something that “I didn’t do”. When I tried to explain to her that I had called her insurance company like I told her that I did, she called me a “damn liar” and said she had already had “one incompetent bitch fired from that job” and she would have my job if I didn’t do what she told me that I needed to do. Every attempt to explain my position and the fact that my coworker was sitting there when I made the phone call went unheard as she raised her voice and screamed over me about what I liar that I am. Then she hung up on me.
I was so pissed off that I started immediately crying. Not because she threatened my job (my boss knows that I do my job, I wasn’t scared in the least that I was going to lose it), and it wasn’t because she threatened to come up to my job (I told her to come on up and do her worst), it was the fact that she called me a liar and wouldn’t allow me to speak or defend myself. I was pissed because I take my job very seriously, and I really really care about my patients and their well-being. I was pissed because I have helped this woman several times with patient assistance for her eye drops as well as given her many samples when she ran out of drops so she wouldn’t have to pay out of her own pocket. To call me a liar and tell me that you’re going to get me fired? After all that I’ve done for you? No way.
I told my co-worker that I will never help that woman again, and I meant it. Then I called her insurance company and asked them if they had a record of my phone call from earlier this week (they did.) I asked them to call my patient while I was on hold and let her know that I did in fact reach out to them, despite what she was supposedly told, and I did try to help her to the best of my ability. I got my things and went home for the day, but it bothered me all day yesterday, and all the way until I went to bed at midnight last night. In a moment of vengeance I hoped that my patient was upset with herself for having threatened me and my job, as well as calling me a liar. I hope that she tries to call and apologize to me. I won’t take her call, she can speak with my coworker. I hope that she has learned a lesson from accusing someone of something without giving them the chance to defend themselves. I only wish that I could scream at her without giving her the chance to talk and let her know how much it hurt me for way longer than it should have. I wish I could make her feel everything she made me feel on Friday.
I even went to church tonight and tried to let go of some of the resentment and anger I have for her and what she did. Needless to say I think it’s going to be a 12 step program because I am still really angry. Tonight our pastor talked about how we are losing intamacy with God and the people around us because we are putting everything else first and God last. We are so busy working and trying to prove ourselves to our bosses and other people that we forget to allow God to be front and center. My pastor told us that if we put Him front and center, we don’t have to worry about the rest.
It’s a very hard lesson for me to learn. I’m always trying to do more and be more at my job. I want that promotion, I want to make more money, I want to be a better provider for my family.If my boss asks me to do something, I do it. The more I do the more he asks of me. It will always be like that. I will always be trying to prove to someone that I’m good enough, even proving it to myself.
I am so scared of being anything like my mother. When someone calls me a liar, I think that I’m turning into her. If I miss a day of work because I don’t feel good, I feel like a lazy bum because my mom used to lay in bed all day doped up on pills and not taking care of my brother or our family. She didn’t work, she didn’t do anything. Someone telling me I’m a liar is the same as someone telling me that I’m just like my mother. To me it is anyway. And it’s really upsetting.
It’s funny, I try to do as much with my daughter as I can. When we have the money we will go to the arcade or to the fun park and ride go-karts. We go see movies together. When I think back on my childhood and how much of a burden it was on my mother for her to do any of those things with me and my brother it really pisses me off. Not only is it a simple thing – taking your child to do fun things on the weekend, but it is also enjoyable. I love going to see a movie with the kid. I love going to play arcade games. Taking her to birthday parties or sleepovers or letting one of her friends stay over here is no big deal. It really just solidifies how much my mother didn’t do when I was a kid, and it makes me very very sad for the child that I was. I didn’t really know any better then, but in doing these things with my kid, I realize just how much of a mother she wasn’t.
I don’t even speak to her anymore, anyway. But it gives me even more of a reason to not want to talk to her. She will never take responsibility for how bad our childhood was. The only time she takes responsibility for the shit we went through is when she turns it around and blames someone else for why she is the way that she is. Then, she points out many of my own flaws to hide herself from her own. There are days that I miss talking to the figment of my imagination that is my mother. Then I remember how much hell there is to pay when she’s having one of her many bad days. And I remember how much she lies and how deceitful she is.
*Sighs* I’m so tired. I just gotta keep on keeping on, I guess.
My boyfriend and I are doing really well, though. It has taken a long while for me to adjust and warm up to our differences, but I think I’m there. He will text me throughout the day now, he talks about his day at work when he gets home. Our communication is better and we act like complete idiots around each other which is really fun.
I am still very much a work in progress and it has taken me a full year to work through most of this crap. But I’m there. I just wish that I would stop caring what people think about me. I wish I didn’t care if someone called me a liar, or fat, or useless, or a terrible daughter. I wish it didn’t bother me that Chesley lied to his wife (again) saying that what I was telling her wasn’t true. People know me based on what everyone else falsely tells them about me. Not many people take the time to get to know me for who I am.