Not only have I been fighting off a fierce temperature for the entire week, I’ve also maintained working my normal hours, and alternated between being okay, and feeling so desperately lonely that I just want to cry. Needless to say, I’ve spent the majority of the week in bed, sleeping, trying to break my fever. Last night it was 101.4. This morning it was 100.4 …. and the bronchitis is trying to jump on the sick train. I’m just exhausted. Sickness found the opportune time to invade my body; when it was weak and weepy, and sad, and broken.
I almost made the mistake of believing what someone from my past said to me in a fluke moment of their life being turned upside down. Luckily I got myself together, got my brain thinking clearly, and wasn’t too disappointed when things turned out exactly like I thought they would. I think it will always be easier to want to go back to something familiar rather than try with someone new, because you know that these people from your past know you. Then again, you have to remember that there is a (good) reason that things didn’t work out, right? Why would you want to subject yourself to it all over again?
The old me would have hung on to every word that this person said to me. I would have relished in the fact that they wanted to be with me. I would have danced through the streets at the happenstance of karma and planets aligning, and God intervening on behalf of my happiness. And then I would have been devastated when it didn’t turn out the way it was supposed to, because of their indecisiveness. It happened once before, when I first started dating this person, and he said I was being too suffocating, and to not call them anymore. I remember hanging up the phone, bawling my eyes out for an hour, picking up the pieces, only to have him call me back the next day and apologize. I’ve come a long way since I was 19. I’m not as naive as I used to be. I decided that it was best to completely cut all ties with this person. I deleted them from my phone, blocked his significant other from Facebook so I won’t be tempted to see what their life is like. I just don’t want to know anymore. I don’t want to feel compelled to reach out to this person when things go bad again. And they will go bad again. When you’re with someone that doesn’t care about you, doesn’t love you, and just generally only wants what is best for them, it’s going to end. There’s no way around it.
I think I have to start hardening my heart towards others. I am the kind of person that will take a lot of crap from a lot of people and still be there for them. I believe that God put me here to help others. I believe that the goodness in me can rub off on other people. Just like with Andy leaving; he may not realize exactly what he had in a person like me, but one day he will. He’ll understand, and he will genuinely miss me. He may never admit it, but he will.
So between all of this, I have been trying to fight my way out of a depression cloud. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I spend my nights pretending Andy is at work. When I wake up alone, I just pretend he is upstairs sleeping. I get through my day by filling it with work. The weekends are going to be the hardest, especially when I don’t have Julie. I miss Andy so much. So unbelievably much. We talk a little through texting, but nothing like how we were talking when we were together. It hurts to hear from him, and it hurts to not hear from him.
I’m just tired of being lost.