So, last week I was complaining about being screamed at by a patient for my supposed incompetence. I have yet to receive an apology for that mistake on her behalf, and I’m not holding my breath either.
Lately I’ve been battling my grandmother’s mood swings. I don’t know if it’s her lack of friendships that drive her to take her shit out on me, or if she just honest-to-god expects more out of me than what I can possibly handle, but I’m exhausted by her constant badgering. The other day she took it upon herself to go get the tags to her car renewed, which sent her on a wild goose chase to pay a license plate fee that I took care of last year. She couldn’t wait for me to handle the tags on a Friday when I only have to work a half day. So she ended up paying for something that I had already paid for, stood in line at the DMV for over an hour, and then when I get home she jumps all over my ass an chews me out for it. This was on Thursday. She was in a shit mood for all of Friday and most of Saturday. Today I tell her I’m going to take my kid to get some new clothes at Wal-Mart and she fly’s off the handle about why I can’t take her to Belk’s and get her some nice clothes. Um. Because she will grow out of them in three months. Because I wear clothes from Wal-Mart. Because those clothes are good enough. That’s why. She was pissed about that.
So I’ve been dealing with her constant backlash of shit.
To top that all off – today my sister-in-law brought me a makeup bag that she ordered for me from Thirty-One. I told my boyfriend about this bag a month ago. My daughter stayed the night with her and my brother on Saturday night, so I told them to just bring the bag to me when they dropped my kid off. Having paid 85% of the bills this month all by myself because Grams had a 600.00 repair on her car, I have no cash on me. I’m broke. I get paid once a month and it all went to bills. I went into my boyfriends wallet and pulled out the 25.00 and didn’t think anything of it. After all, he has told me that if I need anything to let him know and he will help me or give me money. I’ve asked him to cover the cable bill twice and he provides the money for gas and food for the month. It was the agreement we worked out because it was just easier than dividing everything up. I don’t care who spends more money a month on actual bills as long as our needs are met.
When my brother and SIL got here, he came downstairs to get the money and I told him I had already gotten it out. That pissed him off. Apparently going in a man’s wallet is a violation of trust. You just don’t do it. I didn’t get this memo. I had no idea. When Will and I were married I never had a reason to need to go in his wallet so I didn’t. Chesley and Rick didn’t care if I went in their wallet and got their card or some cash. Whoever I’m with is always more than welcome to go into my wallet if they have a reason to. I just assumed that because we are together, we live together, we love each other, and I wouldn’t take something if I didn’t need it – that it would be okay. It wasn’t okay.
I have been sadly mistaken on the thought process of our relationship this entire time. I know he’s particular about his things and people messing with his things. But he has handed me his wallet before and told me to go to the grocery store. While he doesn’t just offer up money for no reason, he does ask me if I need any. If I do, he gives it to me.
We spent the better part of the early afternoon yelling at each other, him ripping out all of the contents of his wallet and throwing them at me and telling me to take his cash and his card since that’s all that I cared about since I’m just like every other woman. He called me spoiled (this isn’t anything new), and he told me I couldn’t be trusted if I would just go into his wallet like that. He stomped around outside, ripped a tree down in anger, while I sat on the bed alternating between being pissed off and crying because I didn’t really understand why going into his wallet warranted this kind of reaction. I still don’t understand it. It reminded me of the time my ex-husband was sick and asked me to bring him home some chicken and rice but to make sure it wasn’t he kind with carrots in it. Of course I brought the wrong kind home and he stomped outside and threw the can against the tree. I put up a question on Facebook asking if what I did was right or wrong and got met with a mix of yes and no. Some people (my ex-husband and his wife included) told me that you don’t go into someone’s wallet like that. Others told me that what I did wasn’t wrong, that he shouldn’t have acted like an ass, and that it was okay. So, I don’t know.
Just because I lived a different lifestyle than him doesn’t mean I’m spoiled. I’m the complete opposite of spoiled. I have nice things that I have busted my ass for. I don’t wear designer clothes or drive a fancy car. I don’t demand that he spend his paychecks on me and my needs. I don’t ask for anything. In fact, after we were done yelling at each other (before round 2 started) he handed me 100.00 and told me that it was for me and whatever I wanted to do. I came upstairs and gave grams 40.00 of it so she’d have some cash on her. I tried to talk to him again and he said something in a smart ass way so I replied in the same mocking smart ass tone and he went outside and ripped a tree down. I got my things and me and Julie went to Wal-Mart by ourselves and I spent the 60.00 I had out of the 100 he gave me on her clothes. So I’m back to square one with nothing – but that’s okay. Julie has some clothes for school. There’s nothing else I need.
But I’m spoiled. Because I display those traits abundantly. Nobody has ever called me spoiled in their life – and I’ve had some pretty nasty things said to me before.
It’s funny, because the subject of marriage has come up more often lately. He even asked me my ring size yesterday. We’ve been doing really good the past couple of months. Today set everything back. It has made me question everything again. This isn’t love. What he’s doing isn’t love. Being called spoiled and constantly being compared to “every other damn woman” out there isn’t what I want in a partner. He should want to spoil me. He should apologize to me when he’s acted like an asshole. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so tired of people constantly taking their shit out on me. I’m tired of being screamed at. I would never do something out of malicious intent. I would never do something while knowingly defying what he has asked me not to do. I didn’t know. Now I know. But now I know a lot more than I knew before. Maybe I need to rethink everything. I want someone that is going to love me and show it every single day. So far I have yet to find that.
I’m just exhausted. I don’t know what to do anymore.